Wednesday, May 07, 2008

"You have it; it does not have you."

That’s the lesson I’m trying to learn right now. I’ve been up and down so much, especially because I’m not sleeping well. I went to sleep last night, on my own, after a hot shower—but I woke up at 3:30 again. I took an Ambien after awhile, and woke again a little after 6. I know it’s a bad pattern. I’m trying to do more bodywork; maybe that will help me break it.

Yes I’m still tired—and yes, I’m always edgier when I am. I’m in a good place, when I’m rested.

I’m rethinking how I want to use this blog. I wake up in the morning and I witness—and I don’t know how helpful it is to any of us, when I’m stuck in an anxious, restless place. The regularity makes it feel like a job. I don’t want surviving cancer to be my job, but [shrug] maybe it is. I’d rather use it as a place of light—but it’s my blog, and I need to be honest.

I write when I haven’t had the day yet. My days, lately, both give me love and leave me feeling beaten up. The love is my community, my friends, my God. Exhaustion… drags a rake through me.

Maybe I can nap today after Eucharist. Going to Magic Hands this morning because I need community; Eucharist because I need food. I’ve become a serious chapel rat, through all of this. I don’t have class in the afternoon; there is a prayer group I’ve been going to. But my advisor said she might have time today after 3. I don’t know if I need to talk to her—I need to go and be.

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