Sunday, May 11, 2008

Not all my dreams are nightmares.

Just woke from a dream in which God was human, present, mother, love.

I don’t think it had anything to do with my parents, in particular—it was neither about them, nor against them. My mother and I have similar eyes. This mother/God looked exactly like me (which is different from the way I look in reality). I was both child and adult; she was taller. She was dressed completely unpretentiously—not trying to “be” God, only present.

There was no human entanglement between us—but a tangible, mutual, love. Hers manifested the way my friends’ love has been, really; lots of hugs and concern, but not hovering. I was… loved and grateful. Completely, actively engaged. But I wasn’t clinging.

I asked her to tell me stories of when I was a sick infant—which she did, though images (inconsistent with the actual facts; hey, it was a dream). I was a baby on an operating table. There was never any sense of worry for my well-being. Only confidence that I was in good care with the doctors, and would be okay.

I never had to be good; just myself. She accepted me wherever I was. This dream was full of laughing, and hugs.

I fell asleep on the floor, in child’s pose. I woke, sort of, to the alarm, and was three degrees from sleep when I felt her behind me, poised to wake me. I sat up, and was surrounded by love.

Words aren’t doing it justice. I’ve been having all these fearful nightmares. This was the opposite. There was no fear in this; only love, and the confidence that I was not ever alone. I woke up wrapped in it.

Sure, I was awake from 2 a.m. to 5. I’m still exhausted. But the love that I’ve been walking in, is sinking through my skin.

Paul, I think our e-mail conversation last night helped a lot. (You will know why.)


Paul said...

I did wish you: "Sweet dreams, healing dreams, growing dreams, grace-filled dreams!" So glad that is what happened. Have a wonderful Day of Pentecost!

Mary Beth said...

Splendid news...thanks be to God!

Kirstin said...


Thank you--and thanks for listening.

Back at ya!

Kirstin said...

MB: exactly.

FranIAm said...

Kirstin- thank you for sharing yourself and all that you are going through so generously here. It is grace to be with you, to pray for you, to read your words and to know your heart.

You are a treasure and I am simply marveling at your words and your truth.

Blessings of Pentecost to you.

susankay said...

Yes, you are loved. Spot on!