Winding down

Well, lying down, at any rate, as I’ve got a stomach bug. The Apostle in Exile thinks it’s the same thing that teased her for days before it really knocked her down. I’m pinning my own hopes on exhaustion, and my body needing some catch-up time. I don’t get digestive bugs very often, but I’d still rather have this than a respiratory illness. I hate those.

She came up last Wednesday and left Sunday afternoon. We took care of the animals I was housesitting for (two cats and a bearded dragon lizard), and ran around all over the city. I got to play tour guide all around my back yard; it was so much fun. We did the Underground tour, went to the glass museum in Tacoma, listened to the wind in the trees in Discovery Park, and walked all over Pike Place Market and the waterfront. We had Thai food in Fremont, sushi in Wallingford, lunch wherever we were, and breakfast at home. I really wanted to take her on a ferry to Bainbridge for ice cream, but we ended up not having time. Oh well. We also had a lot of good talking time. She is and has been helping me heal from a whole lot of things in my past. (I was not the child my parents wanted, and still am surprised when people want to be around me.) She said once that she forgets how new it is for me to be completely accepted. I thought, fabulous—I’m evolving.

I really have started shedding my skin. There is no looking back from that; all I want to be is real, transparent, comfortable in the skin that I’m growing, and not overwhelmed by my own wants, needs, and fears. I’m getting there, and I am nothing if not supported—but it still feels like a long road. I want to be there now. This is my map: I’m not afraid of my own feelings at all. I’m used to them. I know how it feels to be me, when I’m happy, calm, overjoyed, hurting, angry… everything. I am much less scared to talk about the reasons for my tears; those words come almost easily now. I am still afraid that I overwhelm other people. This rock in the road is all about boundaries and trust.

My friend Don from St. Aidan's met us at church on Sunday, and took us all out to lunch. We talked about World in Prayer, the Communications Committee, how to get around the city, and suchlike. It was fun to see him. I took the Apostle to the airport Sunday afternoon, went back to Ballard to gather up my stuff, and moved in to where I am now (north of the U-district). I went to work Monday, but didn’t really get anything done. Mostly, I was tired. Woke up with the stomach thing yesterday, and it’s still coming and going, so I’ve stayed home. I need to finish revising my work for the Altar Guild, and e-mail that. Tomorrow I have to go in, because I have two meetings about fall worship services, and Dorian and the wardens want to take me to lunch.

Friday, I’ll get the a/c in my car looked at, and fixed if it’s not horribly expensive. I think I have a party in Magnolia Saturday evening to go to; during the day, I’ll catch up on little things for myself I’ve wanted to do while I’m up here. Sunday after church is a lunch by the youth who went to MA on a mission trip, and then I’ll pack up the car and head south. I’ll stay in Olympia until Tuesday morning, then drive back to CA. I’ll sleep that night on the Apostle’s couch, and settle back in to CDSP the next day. We're going to play in SF a bit over the weekend, and then I'll start school that Tuesday.

I’m very glad I came up here; it’s been good to do some useful work, come home, and heal. I’ve met some good people, and I’ve done (mostly) what I came here to do. By Sunday, I’ll feel very ready to leave. I miss my friends in CA and the rhythm of church and school. It’s time to move forward with all of this.

Slackerdaisicality, and a book meme

Yes, I’m still alive. Still in Seattle, still happy, still healing, growing, and having a good time. I’ve taken too many long, guilty looks at my and my friends’ blogs, and it’s past time for an update.

I finished my part of the altar guild project. I resisted it; I’m not sure why—I think I just had too many distractions. I’ve been moving every week or two or three, and had trouble finding my focus. All I needed to do was write up some information on church seasons, and find prayers to go with them. I did it at last while Dorian was on vacation, because I couldn’t have looked her in the eye when she came back. They’re going to finalize both pieces (mine and the procedural stuff that someone else wrote up), and make it available in September.

I’m housesitting right now for a family from Ascension, and taking care of their plants, two cats, and one bearded dragon lizard. They’re really nice people. One’s on the vestry, and when I went over to get the house tour and key, we ended up having a meeting regarding their fall retreat day (by which time I’ll be back in CA). I think so far that I’ve done everything I was responsible for, for that.

I’m getting to help plan a Celtic worship service, that will start happening here once a month in the fall. Even though I won’t be here then, I love doing this sort of thing. I had known next to nothing about the Celtic church. The history is fascinating.

The Apostle in Exile is coming to visit this week. We haven’t figured out what all we’re doing yet; how much touristy stuff can you pack into three days? We both kind of want to go to the San Juans; we’ll see. I’m also taking suggestions for sushi…

After she leaves, I’ve got exactly one more week here. Then, I’ll pack my car (ought to clean it out right now), and head back to Oly for a couple days. I’m having breakfast with a friend on the 29th, then I’ll hit the freeway. I plan to get back to Berkeley on the 30th, buy my books and settle in. I’m lectoring at the Orientation Community Night Eucharist on the 31st.

The Apostle and I have plans to show up at St. Aidan’s Labor Day weekend, and play in the city a bit. Then, I start school. I’m not scared at all, because I know what I’m getting into this year. I feel excited and ready.

Here, snagged both from Juniper and Mimi, is a book meme:

1. One Book That Changed Your Life: I don’t know about changed my life, but in a sense helped me define who I’d be: The Sneetches and Other Stories, by Dr. Seuss. It was my favorite book when I was five. I didn’t know about the WWII parallel until early adulthood—I just loved it for telling me it was okay to be me.

2. One Book That You've Read More Than Once: I read The Dark is Rising, the best in that series by Susan Cooper, most Christmases.

3. One Book You'd Want On a Desert Island: Barbara Kingsolver’s The Poisonwood Bible. I could read this over and over. I didn’t get into Prodigal Summer at all; I’d like to try again. I love her essays, also.

4. One Book That Made You Laugh: Um… a Calvin and Hobbes anthology?

5. One Book That Made You Cry: The Secret Life of Bees, by Sue Monk Kidd. I read it in three evenings; would have finished it in one sitting if I hadn’t had to stop so often. And books never do that to me.

6. One Book You Wish Had Been Written: A book on early/medieval church history, in English. I have a difficult time with academic-ese; I can read it, and comprehend it slowly, but I start wondering why after awhile.

7. One Book That You Wish Had Never Been Written: I despised The Mists of Avalon. I endured it, in college, because I was taking a religion/mythology program and all the other women I knew raved about it. I never could keep straight who stole whose child, and who was sleeping with whom. Then, after sweating my way through 800-odd pages, I found Marion Zimmer Bradley’s conclusion: Mary is just Brigid anyway, in different clothes, so none of the previous fighting and intrigue have mattered. Ugh.

8. One Book You’re Currently Reading: Gospel Women, by Richard Bauckham. I’m preaching on Mary in the morning.

9. One Book You’ve Been Meaning To Read: Listening Hearts: Discerning Call in Community. I’ve had it out from the GTU library for months, and am going to buy my own copy before I go back to school.

Adding,

10. One Book You Want to Read Again: The Left Hand of Darkness, by Ursula Le Guin (thanks Max). I’ve never gotten into fantasy/sci-fi in general, but I discovered her several summers ago and binge-read her work. I have something else in that series checked out from the Seattle library right now.

Off to write a sermon. I’ll post that tomorrow.

I'm supposed to be writing a sermon

...and I'm stuck. I'm preaching at 7 a.m. tomorrow; I was offered this day and I said, "Sure!" Really, it shouldn't be hard; it's the feast of St. Benedict, and this only needs to be about four minutes long. Telling anything at all about him could take most of that.

I think the readings are tripping me. Either of the Psalms, and the section of Proverbs, I can wrap my mind around; they're about listening to wisdom. The Gospel is from Luke 14, about giving up all your possessions to follow God.

I've been a (very) poor hippie. I'm going into more debt than I'll ever pay off, to do what I'm doing right now. I'm doing this willingly. But I don't have the right to preach poverty to 70-year-olds who worked for decades to have two homes and go golfing when they want to. I have no right to judge other people's choices. I can talk about Benedict giving up everything for God. I can't tell anyone to do that.

We are, each and all of us, called in the ways that we are called, to do the work that is ours. This Gospel reading is about counting the cost, and then calling it nothing. I don't know how to speak this, to people who have more materially than I do. I'm also catching myself, for not being as open and attentive to God as I want and need to be.

Help?

Newsletter piece

This is something I wrote for the Ascension monthly newsletter; I thought I'd publish it here for people who are just meeting me in blogland, and for people in the Bay Area who want to keep up with what I'm doing. It had to be short, so I've left some background out. I thought about expanding it, and may later, but here I am for now. Peace.

First, I’d like to thank everyone I’ve met, on Sundays, at the rummage sale, and at vestry meeting, for making me feel welcome. Everyone’s been open and friendly; you’ve put me right at ease here. Thank you.

To introduce myself:

I’m a second-year seminarian at Church Divinity School of the Pacific in Berkeley, CA. I grew up in Everett, lived in Olympia for 17 years (during and after college at Evergreen) and was looking for a different parish experience near my home for the summer. Through recommendations, I landed at Ascension. I’m very happy here, and energized about the work I’m doing.

I’ve begun with a plan for a baptism class I’ll get to lead next week. I’m also creating something for the Altar Guild about liturgical seasons, and finding or writing prayers to accompany them. I’m integrating into the community as I go. You’ll see me sitting in the pews sometimes, and serving sometimes as well. During the week, I can be found upstairs, surrounded by my laptop, books, and tea, next to the choir’s vestments.

I’ll also be housesitting for many of you. Thank you for welcoming me into your homes while you’re gone; I now have places all summer where I know I’ll be. You’ve all been a huge help.

In the meantime, I’m asking myself questions. I know that I am called into ministry. Into what, exactly? Do I need to be ordained? Do I want to sign up with Mercy Corps, and work in Africa? What feels right, what doesn’t, where are my gifts and what can I learn? What do I absolutely not want to do? I believe that people are called where they are. When I’m in the right place, it’s like being in the middle of a waterfall. I’ve begun this journey non-traditionally. I will enter the formal discernment process at some point; I’m considering how ready I am for the rigors of that. In the moment, I’m learning, working, experimenting, and growing where God has put me.

I’ll keep you posted.

Update

I'm settling in to work at Ascension, and I really like the community a lot. The people are really friendly, and they care about me and what I'm doing. I've come up with a plan for a baptism class, and am working on revising it and adding a resource handout. I'm also working on the "Mary" element in a currently "Martha"-esque altar guild rubric. I'm writing something about the church seasons, and finding or writing prayers for them.

Went to a vestry meeting last night. We went half an hour over time, but no one cared; they just kept discussing a particular issue until everyone had been heard, and they'd arrived at something they were all happy with. It actually was really fun to watch. These are good people; they care about each other and the ministries they do. There's a lot of creativity here.

Afterwards, we ate and talked in the rector's office. Three of us went downstairs to scope out the rummage sale stuff for this weekend. I'm housesitting currently at the home of Possible Water, and didn't get up there until around midnight. I didn't go to sleep until 2. I dragged myself out of bed sometime this morning, and just sort of puttered until I was ready to leave. I drove here (to work) because I need to go grocery shopping on the way home.

The nomad thing is a challenge, but it's good to have time to myself. I'm not sure how this all will work out, but I know that it will. We did a form of lectio divina last night, with a passage from Luke. I heard in it, "Be watchful (but don't be afraid). I will make you strong enough. Listen for what is your calling." And that, I know, is my work for the summer.

I'm in a good place--or places--to do it.

Quick check-in

I met the community at Ascension today; they're really warm, and excited to have me. It's going to be a good summer.

Half of Seattle is playing hot-potato with me, housing-wise. I don't feel settled yet, but I'll find my rhythm.

More later. I need a nap.

Safe in Seattle

Exhausted. Excited. Have dicey access: none at home, and not at work until they figure out how to string a DSL line upstairs. (I'll be ensconced at a card table in the choir room.) I can walk to the library, though, which is where I am now.

Will write more later.

Peace to all.

Fly away home

I just sent the Peeps home to Seattle with my bishop's husband.

::giggle::

I wish I could be there when +Nedi sees them. Apparently, when she was at St. Aidan's, they impaled Peeps on sticks and processed around the block, every year at the Vigil. Resurrection is such a good joke on Satan, you see. You have to laugh--and you get to.

[Bob was down here for a School for Deacons thing; they both used to be deeply involved with them. I saw him downstairs, said hi and we chatted a bit, then remembered the Peeps when I got back to my room. Fortunately, he was still there when I grabbed them.]

They are both just the neatest people. It was fun to run into him.

Found out today that I have to have my unholy wreck of a room packed by Thursday, to keep stuff in free storage here. That's the day my last final is due. I really didn't work while I was in mid-breakdown, and have tons of catching up still to do. So, back to packing/studying/rolling my eyes at myself.

Honestly, it's good to feel this energy again. Peace and blessings to all.

Oh, and I got the Seattle thing. I'll be interning at Ascension in Magnolia. I start directly after the DioCal ordinations in June, and I'll be there through August.

Unless you know me, you don't know how overjoyed I am to get to be connected with my home.

Alleluia.