Saturday, April 05, 2008

What's with all the memes and such?

I’ve been only peripherally blogging, for awhile. I don’t think I want to take a break, or announce one. I just want to say what’s up.

I’m behind in a couple of critical things at school, because I spend too much time wandering aimlessly online. I really need to get strict with myself about how I use my time, and I need to break my ‘net addiction. I really need to stop escaping into this.

Also, I’m just not in a mood to be self-reflective in public. I’m in a place now where I’m both very up and very down—excited about possibilities for fall, and extremely anxious about summer. I have no idea where I’ll be, what I’ll be doing, or how I’ll support myself. I feel like I’m getting too old for all these transitions. My best friend talked me out of a tree last night; I was terrified of being homeless. (Yes, I know I have skills. I also know how often I’ve chosen less than I am, out of sheer terror and depression. I don’t want to go to that dark place again.) She finally said, “Be logical—you have a home here.”

We say that all the time; I guess I didn’t know it actually applied. She threw another light on how she cares for me—which is a really cool thing. I know it’s an option, and I’ll go there if I need to. It takes the fear for my physical self, away. I also know how small her house is. The woman lives in a shoebox. I don’t want to be always in her space, and I don’t want to put her in a position of longish-term supporting me. (I would be working—temping at the very least. But still.) I don’t want to drive her, and myself, completely insane.

I don’t know what will open up. I’d come back to the Ranch in a minute; I don’t know yet whether that’s an option. Something planned for fall might open up early. I know that if I’m in the Valley, I’ll be having to work part-time for money anyway. (I’ll be giving all the time I can to outreach and church.) I really don’t mind grown-up lives when I have them. It’s getting them, that scares hell out of me.

I really don’t know, and I hate being this wound up about it. But that’s where I am, and it’s why I’m less chatty here.

What can all of you do? Pray. Thanks.

4 comments:

FranIAm said...

Praying for you is something that I can do and that I am doing every day.

Peace, guidance and all that you need to you and more.

Kirstin said...

Thanks so much, Fran.

lj said...

(((Kirstin)))
As you know, I've been blogging less and less, so I get it. Do what you need and we're here when you want to find us.

Kirstin said...

Thanks, lj. I know--and that's a good thing. :-)