What's with all the memes and such?

I’ve been only peripherally blogging, for awhile. I don’t think I want to take a break, or announce one. I just want to say what’s up.

I’m behind in a couple of critical things at school, because I spend too much time wandering aimlessly online. I really need to get strict with myself about how I use my time, and I need to break my ‘net addiction. I really need to stop escaping into this.

Also, I’m just not in a mood to be self-reflective in public. I’m in a place now where I’m both very up and very down—excited about possibilities for fall, and extremely anxious about summer. I have no idea where I’ll be, what I’ll be doing, or how I’ll support myself. I feel like I’m getting too old for all these transitions. My best friend talked me out of a tree last night; I was terrified of being homeless. (Yes, I know I have skills. I also know how often I’ve chosen less than I am, out of sheer terror and depression. I don’t want to go to that dark place again.) She finally said, “Be logical—you have a home here.”

We say that all the time; I guess I didn’t know it actually applied. She threw another light on how she cares for me—which is a really cool thing. I know it’s an option, and I’ll go there if I need to. It takes the fear for my physical self, away. I also know how small her house is. The woman lives in a shoebox. I don’t want to be always in her space, and I don’t want to put her in a position of longish-term supporting me. (I would be working—temping at the very least. But still.) I don’t want to drive her, and myself, completely insane.

I don’t know what will open up. I’d come back to the Ranch in a minute; I don’t know yet whether that’s an option. Something planned for fall might open up early. I know that if I’m in the Valley, I’ll be having to work part-time for money anyway. (I’ll be giving all the time I can to outreach and church.) I really don’t mind grown-up lives when I have them. It’s getting them, that scares hell out of me.

I really don’t know, and I hate being this wound up about it. But that’s where I am, and it’s why I’m less chatty here.

What can all of you do? Pray. Thanks.