Tuesday, October 02, 2007

What I can say about why I asked for prayer

I’m so angry with myself that I’m physically ill. I don’t think that I did anything wrong—but I feel like it. I feel like I need confession.

I never feel like I need confession. When I do it, I’m inside it, and it is sincere—but I very rarely hunger for it. When I clearly wrong somebody, I can say so. (My relationship with God more often needs repair for my absence.) Forgiveness for most things comes easily. This… is murky. I said something about myself that I shouldn’t have, and created a disturbance that I don’t know what to do with. It wasn’t wrong in the sense of hurtful—I don’t think, anyway—I just was speaking from a shaky emotional place. Trying to be rational, and not fully succeeding. And I don’t know if there is forgiveness for that.

I think this will end up being a small piece of a larger me, to the people involved, in time. I asked if we were okay; the answer I got was, “Yes, always.” But I’m afraid of being branded. And I know that it’s me who is branding myself.

I don’t have a mental health diagnosis, and I’ve had chances to get one. There’s nothing in this but organic me. It’s history reacting with now. I have anger, fear, and panic hitting me harder than they have in a long time. I know very well why. (The reasons are really at the crux of this; and in themselves, they’re life-giving and good.) And I’m trying to figure out how to be responsible about this love-trust-need conflation I have going, and how to grow through and beyond it.

What I know I need now are time, prayer, understanding, patience, and love. And the presence to give those to myself.

Pray with me.


Mimi said...

Hugs. Those things happen, you are loved.

And, admittedly I come from a tradition with regular confession so take this with a grain of salt, but when feel like I need Confession, the only thing that solves that feeling is Confession. Hugs

terri c said...

Wandered over here from I can't remember where. Hope you are being kind to yourself. If speaking from an emotionally shaky place and not succeeding in being entirely rational are terrible bad things altogether, then I am in huuuuuge trouble. Praying for you AND the monks. You all deserve it!

eileen said...

Prayers ascending, always.

And I agree with Mimi - if you feel like you need a confession, go get one! Maybe it will help.


Email me if you need.

johnieb said...

Prayers for you, Kristin, and for all of us who have done these things to ourselves.

Anonymous said...

There oughta be a DSM dx for "aims shotgun at own big toe" - at least so I could understand myself better. ;-) Your description of the collision between past and present is apt. I also honor your need to say outloud there's a disturbance afoot without wanting/needing to undo the stitches and reveal every wound. (sorry about the overly mixed metaphors).


Grandmère Mimi said...

Kristin, my dear, prayers ascend for you. Trust God to untangle this for you. Trust God to turn this to good.

If confession will help, then confess.

Most important, Kirstin: forgive yourself. God forgives you, and he commands us to forgive - even ourselves.

Linda McMillan said...

What everybody else said.
I've had some pretty rocky times myself. Praying for you.

Mother Laura said...

I have felt some of what you are feeling, I think, and it's awful.

Good for you for reaching out for support. Please be gentle with yourself.

Prayers for healing, consolation, and guidance from the gentle Spirit of God.

Mary Beth said...

praying intently.

Max Rainey said...

"Trying to be rational, and not fully succeeding..."
you have permission to stop smashing your head against that particular brick wall. No one is ever fully "rational."

The reasonings of the heart do not subject themselves to reason. Old Pascal knew what he was talking about.

And you can stop worrying about being branded. Because there's nothing you can do about it. We all get branded and we all brand each other, all the time. The trick is to collect so many different ones that people don't know which one to believe.

[cackles madly and rubs hands together]

yours in the struggle,