Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Filling up and spilling over

…it’s an endless waterfall.

I’ve been doing specific soul-work, with a specific provocation, and with a specific goal in mind. The effects of it are sprouting everywhere.

I have a teacher now, who taught me both Early and Medieval Church History two years ago. I was struggling a lot: what am I doing here; why aren’t I better at this (“I used to be ‘gifted’; what happened to me?”), grating against the academic and personal judgements of others. It was a really difficult time, and when I got behind in his class then, I was too afraid to talk to him about it.

I e-mailed him yesterday morning, saying I know I didn't do X and this is why; it’s a one-time thing and won’t happen again. He wrote back, “OK, thanks for telling me.” I went to class and looked him in the eye. I didn’t need to hide anything. He was totally open and friendly back.

I had a crisis last spring, when I came back from NOLA and couldn’t/wouldn’t get it out of my head enough to prioritize school. I made my peace with another teacher about a month ago. I don’t have her now, but will again in the spring. The anger, guilt, and fear are totally gone. We are completely fine now, and I know she respects me. I wrote her last week, saying thanks again for being open to that. She said she’s glad we’re eye to eye again too.

You do soul-work because you’re provoked by feeling horrible. Often when you feel better, you stop. Even in the beginning of this current time, it wasn’t a crisis. I did this work and school together, and I got both of them done. I never felt like I was having a breakdown. The more I’ve worked through, the clearer the next step has been. I’m doing great now, and I still know what’s in front of me. It doesn’t scare me at all. It’s just more work, more learning, more practice. I can get my hands, and my head, around it. It’s not overwhelming.

I’m feeling like I’ve never been in this particular skin before—but it’s home. I’m more comfortable in, and with, myself than I remember being. I have more confidence than I’ve ever had. The reflexive “I’m not good enough” is NOT happening. That’s been lurking in my darkness forever. My darkness, right now, is not there. There is light in all corners; some of them are dusty, but I can see them.

Yay for God, yay for the Ranch, yay for me, and yay for the people who love and support me.


Mother Laura said...

I am so delighted for you, and proud of you. Yay, indeed, on all counts!

Kirstin said...

Thank you--and thank you for supporting me so much. :-)

Mother Laura said...

You are most welcome, my dear, and I am so jazzed about meeting up in Advent. Oh, and the Cris Williamson was a delight to hear again in my heart and mind--it's been way too long.

Kirstin said...

Thanks! I spent my teens at Girl Scout camp. :-)

eileen said...

K - You sound so good and strong here. I am very, very happy for you. You are doing good hard work here.