Monday, October 15, 2007

A note from the belly of the fish

I don't know if today's and yesterday's postings make sense, outside of myself. I hope they do. I'm posting for two reasons: accountability, and in the event that others have been or will be where I am. I'm both looking for light, and offering my own.

Tired, and feeling down today. I’ve been working too hard on the personal stuff—thinking too much, trying too hard. I need to rest and regroup. I don’t know how to do that, without dropping it completely—and that’s not an option.

I feel like hibernating, but even if I could, it wouldn’t be good for me.

I know that the people I care about, who know about this struggle, respect what I’ve been up to. More than that, they love me for who I am. I know that ultimately, by other humans and by God, I’m forgiven for stumbling. I talk about being “met with grace and patience”—and I am. I need to learn to give all these things to myself.

I either drive myself impossibly hard, or I let go completely. I need to find a balance.

I also don’t want to be “about” struggle. Right now, though, I have to focus on this.

And on the reading I need to finish for class, and on a presentation for tomorrow… I could not have carried all these things a year, or two, ago—which is why I didn’t. It’s set before me now because I am able to get my work done. I’ve finally figured out how to do school, and I’m enjoying it. I just wish I knew better, how to be whole.

Even writing that, I know that I am. I just need to learn to live into it. I’ve been physically standing taller; I can feel it. There’s a way of walking, that I don’t yet know.

I know that I will.

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