The good in the growth time

Courage, mother courage,
Let it raise you up when you’re feeling down
Courage, mother courage,
Courage to plant new ground.
--Sally Rogers, "Mother Courage"

I’m in a really good place. I’m behind in school but not drowning, it’s a gorgeous fall day outside, I got through a presentation on Monday that scared me, turned a paper in yesterday on time… and I feel more generally solid than I have in awhile.

Last week was really hard—but going through it helped me, and taught me some things I don’t know how to quantify yet. I began this post with the ear-worm that’s been running in my head since probably Friday; I’m all about re-integrating. Daring myself to preach last Friday, when I knew how scared I’d been before, was the best possible choice I could have made. I had no idea when I requested it, what I would say—but life and the text taught me, and I was open enough to take it in.

There’s one faculty member who was really tough on me, last spring. I hated it, and I was angry for the longest time. I understand now what she was doing. I had to find that strength in myself, to want to take these challenges (academic, personal, social, spiritual) and to learn from them. I had to find the good, and lift it out of the muck. I have, and I am.

It’s amazing, what you can do—and who you can be—when you say to your fear, “I see you. But I’m still going to do this.”

I like having reasons to be proud of myself.


[Note: I gave this link to said faculty. She received it, and I know now that she respects me. (I'd had that idea for awhile, anyway; she presided both times that I've preached here, and she's known what I've been working on.) In sharing this with her, I let go of that anger. I am done with it, now. I'm looking all kinds of people in the eyes, that I couldn't have used to. We are fine.]