Wade in the water...

…my God's gonna trouble the water.

I'm doing the journaling practice I talked about. And I'm feeling the effects of focused God-and-me time.

I am still being wrestled with. This is utterly different from torturing myself. I'm being pushed and challenged to look at what I need to grow past—emotional dependence, mostly, and anxiety around that—and I'm being affirmed at the same time. That is how I know that God is in this. When I beat myself up, there is no redemptive value. This experience has a goal, that I'm moving toward now. There's healing all through it; it's all about the "already/not yet." I know where I'm going; I can't articulate it yet, but I can sense it.

Odd, to be both frustrated with myself, and hopeful at the same time. Still, good.

I'm also not acting out this struggle anymore. I'm able to own it, and to talk about it. I'm able, not to panic. And I'm being met with grace and patience. (I want to learn to give those to myself.) In a sense, I do feel safe. I'm much more trusting than I would have been, probably at any point before last summer. I trust God, and myself, more as well.

Spent some time with my friend Max today. We talked about "getting there," and what that means. I truly do believe that you get as far as you're open to going. You are as strong as you are open to becoming. And when you really commit yourself, watch out. God is creativity, transformation, healing, change. God will do what God will do, and you will be different.

I am as open as I know how to be. I feel strong, and ready. This really is good. And, it is time.