Friday, May 12, 2006

You and me are free to be... you and me.

I'm out of my breakdown, I believe. Thanks be to God.

I e-mailed an apology to one of my teachers for the struggle I'd been going through, and copied it to my advisor. They both sent gracious replies. Yesterday, I saw said faculty in chapel. I very intentionally gave him the Peace. I think he just said, "Peace be with you," but the look in his eyes welcomed me back to the world. He checked in with me afterward, just to make sure I was okay. I said yes, and meant it.

I thanked my advisor, at dinner, for helping me. She just encouraged me to keep working.

What does it say about my own sense of self-worth, that I woke up this morning thinking about this? I don't doubt them, as people. They've proven their patience, their receptivity, their willingness to support their students. The most healing thing I've done for myself has been to respond to my advisor's request, "Tell me what's really going on." She wanted me to get it out, so we could work with it. Her approach was practical, direct, nonjudgemental. I told her how afraid I was, and then I told her why, and the threat went away. Why on earth am I so shocked to be treated decently?

For the same reason I was amazed when my friends welcomed my tears. I have always been about acceptance, and freedom to be yourself. But I'm only truly beginning to know and trust that it also is okay to be me. I think this is the first time I've ever been intentionally loved through the fear of making a mistake. I know now, deeply, that I don't have to be perfect. I only have to grow through challenges, to truly and deeply seek to be the person God intends me to be.

I can't be more me than that. And I can see God smiling.

I can type this without crying. I am aware of the love around me, feeling space to breathe. Healing is happening. Alleluia.

1 comment:

Mimi said...

Allelulia, indeed! Thanks be to God.

I have tears and a big grin reading this.