Friday, November 30, 2007


The wildest thing just happened.

I prayed for healing for the people who hurt me, before I went to sleep. I felt like I ought to, and I honestly could; it wasn’t any kind of a self-sacrificial thing. I did it at the same time as I give thanks for all the blessings of this life. I didn’t pray for me, but for them.

I had a dream last night, in which they showed up. When I woke up, I was able to love them, without feeling tangled.

Am I still angry? Still hurt, still grieving? Yes. But it's gentler, now. Love embraces everything else—and it's not any kind of spiritual/emotional martyrdom; it's real. It's not even that I'm forgiving them; I'd be short-circuiting too much, if I tried to do that now. I love them, because they're held by the same God as me.

I'm used to pure surreality in my dreams. They're not that way, anymore.

If you make a conscious decision to open yourself to God, know this: You will be different.


Mimi said...

Hugs. I'm so glad.

Kirstin said...

((((thank you))))

Jan said...

Yay--and here's a prayer than can be prayed like the Jesus Prayer or a mantra: "Bless _________, change me."

It is a powerful prayer--over time.

Kirstin said...

Jan, thank you for dropping by. I can see how that prayer could be useful in some situations, but it is not, in this one. You'd have to know more background than I can publicly tell you, to understand.

One thing I can say is that it's still far too easy for me to take more responsibility than is mine. I can ask for opening, and I have. But for me to ask to be changed, in this situation, would be a betrayal of myself just as they betrayed me. A gesture like this would open me to beating myself up for mistakes I may or may not have made. I've already done more than too much of that. I can't find a place of health or honesty within doing what you suggest, for this.

I know you're training to be a spiritual director. Please, get to know me better before you tell me how to pray. And let me have my joy; don't try to push me through it. God is already doing more work here than any printed words can tell you.

I wish you peace.