Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Grace upon grace

I’m at the Ranch this week; it’s spring break. I’m working here through Thursday, then I’ll head back south to the Apostle in Exile’s house and the Diocese of San Joaquin special convention.

I had a paper due yesterday, in an online class that I’d fallen off the bus in, participation-wise. I was decent, barely, until I got sick—then was behind in so much, I couldn’t organize myself well enough to catch up. I worked all day and finished it, turning it in just under the wire. This is after tech trouble had sent me into town, in search of wireless access so I could e-mail the instructor, in an absolute breathless panic. He wrote back, giving me grace—and this is one place where I absolutely didn’t deserve it. (He doesn’t tolerate late work, ever, and I knew that—and respect him for it. Again, I haven’t been participating in this class for awhile, so he’d have had no idea that I was on top of anything.)

Paper’s done, and in, and I think I’ve learned some things about the value of my own work. About respecting myself enough to do said work, to begin with—and to do it well. About not panicking, and about forgiving myself. About trusting other people to be gracious.

And I didn’t fall apart completely, even once.

It’s been a good experience. A learning experience, that I actually did learn from. I’ve been in panicky places in academia, at least once a term since I’ve been here. I think, finally, I don’t need to go there anymore. I think I got what I’ve been needing, from this.

This may have something to do with the God-time (kairos, seriously) I’ve been in for about the past week. A conversation last Tuesday had some deep effects on me. It may be me (gasp!) growing up. What I know is that I’m together, in a place where I desperately wasn’t.


(And yes, my feet STILL hurt from trampling death. I hope they do, for a long time.)


FranIAm said...

Enjoy your time at the ranch and I love that you got the grace... It is freely flowing.

Peace to you my sister.

Grandmère Mimi said...

Kirstin, I'm relieved with you that the paper is in. Thank God for graceful instructors.

And you didn't fall completely apart. Thanks be to God for that.

Please report to us on the SJ convention, love.

susan s. said...

This little episode reminds me of a dream that I have when I am worried. It's the end of the quarter, I have to take the final, and I have never been to class!!!! I'm almost 63 and I still have that dream! I never dream long enough to get grace, though! :-)

I will think about you and everyone at the convention this weekend. I'm sure there will be reports on some blogs whose names we dare not mention. There always are!

Kirstin said...

Thank you, all.

LOL, Susan! We need to have sushi.

Paul said...

Susan S., I am also in my 60s and that dream still recurs now and then. Not only have I never been to class, I've not cracked the book and I cannot locate the room where the exam is. It's usually second-year algebra, which is funny because, though I found it tedious, I got straight As in math. Maybe it's because in my senior year of high school I made a couple of decisions that set me firmly on the path of the humanities and though I could probably write essays in almost any area of the humanities, I could not, now, fake my way through math. Vulnerability.... so basic a fear.

Hooray for getting one thing after another dealt with, Kirstin! You go, girlfriend!