Saturday, August 14, 2010

Alive

Thursday morning, I got the e-mail telling me that we’re not sure the treatment is working.

Thursday afternoon, my priest and I met with the bishop, and I got the go-ahead to start the Process (tm) here.

Episcopalians know what that means. It’s code for "discernment"; it's the first step toward ordination. All I want to do is take the sacraments to the river. I choose to seek the church’s blessing, and I just may get it.

You take your Yeses as they come.

My bishop knew from Facebook that I’m in chemo. Of course he asked about my health. I wondered if it might be an impediment. It wasn’t. He was compassionate, not paternalistic. The feeling I got was, if I’m willing to risk jumping into the process, with the understanding of time that I have, he’s willing to support me.

I’ve written this post in my head a hundred times. I’m still not at terms with what I’m feeling. I don’t know how to describe the space between medical worry and affirmation of call. Joy, relief, sadness, and a fierce, fierce hope.

I’ve known for two and a half years that all I really know I have is now. I am still fully alive, and fully called into life. You embrace life as long and as well as you can.

19 comments:

Two Auntees said...

I love your bishop!! He is wise beyond measure. I am so happy for you. You continue to be in my prayers.

Rev Dr Mom said...

Your bishop is indeed wise...prayers for you as you continue the journey, wherever it may lead.

Carmel said...

I've been out of the loop for a few days and am just now catching up. I'm sorry about the uncertain news, Kirstin -- but hopeful for you, and sending love and prayers as always. You're ever in my heart.

PseudoPiskie said...

Yea! Wise bishop. Wise Kirstin. Live life while you have it. Yours seems a little less certain than mine but who knows? I love your attitude and keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Jane R said...

Glad about your good news from the bishop... Keep living...

Kirstin said...

Thank you all, and yes he's a good one.

Jane, as well as ever I can.

Anonymous said...

I'm so happy for this blessing, Kirstin. I know Barry's compassion; he was my spiritual director a long time ago and drove me to and from the hospital twice. So supportive and loving. This is a major step for you and I'm overjoyed that you are making it!
Love and a big hug from Mary Beth

Kirstin said...

Thank you, Mary Beth!

Caminante said...

Kirstin, that is blessed news about the process. Sometimes the church, through its people, actually demonstrates the wisdom with which it has been graced. I will pray for your journeys, now that you are formally on two.

xoxo

Kirstin said...

Thank you so much. They seem to wrap around each other...

XOXOXO back!

it's margaret said...

I am proud of you.
xoxoxo

Lisa Fox said...

I'm delighted to hear this, Kirstin. I bet you -- and your discernment committee members -- will find this process a real blessing.

BTW, does your diocese have discernment guidelines online? I'd love to see how they compare to ours.

Cathy said...

I agree with all above - wise bishop - what a gift you are. Prayers for you as you journey through the process to a calling that speaks so clearly through your words.

Kirkepiscatoid said...

Congrats! Not to mention the prayers continue.

Kirstin said...

Thank you all for the affirmations. This feels so right.

Lisa, alas, no. They use guidelines developed in the '90s. There's talk of re-writing them.

BooCat said...

What a Bishop you have. You are blessed to be in his diocese, but clearly he understands how blessed he is to have someone like you seeking holy orders. You are ever in my prayers.

Kirstin said...

BooCat, thank you.

Tobias Stanislas Haller said...

God bless you and those in all aspects of discernment and healing! May the Spirit be with you.

eileen said...

YAY!! Congrats on your wise Bishop!