Wednesday, July 09, 2008


The infusion center caught me. I’m at the Ranch right now; they called and want to start infusions again on Monday.

I know it’s for the best (sigh), and maybe I’ll only be half as sick this time (crossed fingers). But I really wanted to do camp. And I just don’t want to deal with this anymore. I know the infusions are only for two more weeks—but I hate that I can’t schedule my own life right now. They call; they get what they want. It wasn’t, “Can we start you?”; it was, “We’re starting you.” As is their right; I really can’t say no.

Not if I want to be done with cancer, anyway. Grrrr.

I’m still up from just being here, and I’m definitely still healing in all ways. I’m just cranky and growly right now. My body started feeling better; now it feels really good. I’ve missed my own energy, and I want to keep it. Once I resume these, I’m sick for a year. I want my own life back.

I knew I’d have to go back, and I was preparing for the idea that it was soon. I just wanted a little more time.


The chapel bell rang; off to Eucharist with the Benedictines.


Joan Calvin said...

Yes, it stinks. My chemo ended (God willing last Thursday) and I'm feeling awful. I just hope everything is gone. You have no idea until you go through this how bad it is. I was so naive! You are in my prayers.

Two Auntees said...

Feeling stronger, reconnecting with joy, having the fear subside.......these are all wonderful signs of healing. This is wonderful! Prayers continue for you as you begin your treatment.

it's margaret said...

Enjoy your weekend Kirstin.

You continue in my prayers.

many blessings.

Jim said...


I think for both cancer survivors and diabetics (I am both) it is precisely the loss of control that is tough. I am after all a "grown up" who should be ordering my own life. Sure, and then I take on of the 5 blood tests every day, one of the six insulin shots, and decline the snack or find myself seriously low and force coca cola (my bounce sugar of choice) down to get back to "normal." Somewhere the illusion of control vanishes.

It does get a bit better on the cancer side. I am down to one exam a year, and until (not if) the cancer re-appears that is all. (Bladder cancer almost always comes back.) You can expect to get to the annual exam at some point.

You are a tough person and you will come through. And you will learn that you have changed -- you wont think of freedom or of illness quite the same way again. In your case I think that will be a source of strength. It may also lead you to a new sort of compassion for those who find it a source of weakness -- I know I did.

You remain in my and our parish's prayers.


Kirstin said...

Thank you, all.

Jim, it's already becoming a source of strength. Thanks for that.

Anonymous said...


Cranky is okay. Jim is correct; it is all about losing control, and feeling lousy both at the same time.

Put your burden at Jesus's feet.