Ouch

...but it's a good "ouch."

My director's daughter, whom I met at the Oly Food Co-op before I moved to California and through whom I got this job, is visiting for four days, between spring in Nicaragua and summer school at Evergreen. We'd only met each other that one time, so it's been fun to hang out a little.

Sean, Calen, her boyfriend Sam, and I played two-on-two soccer last night, from just after sunset until dark. We only played for half an hour or so, and none of us were any good, but I hadn't appreciably moved in two years.

Wow, did I wake up sore.

Thank you

Thank you, to those who commented, and to K for calling me. I love you.

What’s going on has nothing to do with work, or church. You know how you can think you know yourself inside out and backwards, until something jumps out at you that redefines your whole perception? I have abandonment issues a mile wide, that I didn’t even know about until Christmas. (Yeah, and I’ve been in and out of counseling since college.) Rationally I know that what’s triggering them right now is not as big a deal as I’m afraid of. But the terror is still there.

I’m better now than I was yesterday, and better about all of this than I would have been even a month ago. I’m making slow progress. I’m also just tired of having the problem. I am working on it. But reason and exhaustion are not all that it will take to rewire me. It will take time, prayers, love, and patience with everything, including myself. This is one piece of a very long process.

Thank you for checking in with me. Your prayers and your love mean more than you know.

Eileen, I may very well e-mail you; but probably not today. Thanks for the offer.

Blah

I am failing miserably at the commitment I made, two posts down. Too often, when I'm too exhausted to do anything else, but not actually sleepy, I'm online. Right now, I'm feeling sad and scared about something (which I am not going to blog about). The 'net is what I escape into.

The Benedictines are here this week, and I've gone to a couple of their gatherings. They keep repeating over and over, "God is love." Right now... I know that, but I also don't.

Please pray for me.

While it's still the Fourth...

go here.

Thank you, Keith Olbermann. And to all of us: please speak, clearly and effectively, while we can, because we can.

Re-focusing

I was praying with four friends from my parish yesterday afternoon; it's an early step in my vocational discernment. This was the second time we'd met. It was so much easier to focus than it had been in May, when I still had school clattering in my head. I went where I needed to go, and I stayed there.

I felt very much "held in the light;" it's a Quaker phrase, and we're Episcopalians, but the imagery works. I was held in their love, and in God. I asked God, "What do you want me to hear?" The answer came immediately, and strongly. "Turn OFF your computer, live at nature's pace while you can, and pay attention."

So that's what I'm going to be doing. I'm determined to obey this. This summer away from the city is a gift; I need to honor it, and to listen deeply in the silence I'm given here. I need to get back on two-way conversational terms with God.

I"m not taking a break from blogging, but the frequency and content will change. I'll be online for shorter, more focused periods; not just to veg when I'm not doing anything else. The internet is a time-suck, and a soul-suck; I need to pay deep attention to what is directly all around me. Truth often speaks in whispers; I need to hear those.

I am already feeling clearer.