Growing

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday, which would have been impossible for me to have had coherently not very long ago. My friend said, we've gotten off track. I want to be in your constellation, but I can't give you the level of support you've been coming to me for.

Hard thing to hear. But I didn't come close to getting upset about it. I'm trying to figure out how this kind of growth works, so I can replicate it for myself and facilitate it in other people. Part of what made this easier is the trust level between us; I know he means well, and he prefaced the whole thing by saying he wanted to focus on how he could support me/we could support each other. He invited me to talk more deeply about the feelings he knew I'd had; I didn't feel a need to. I may later, as we figure out how to be. The other part is that I've had experiences since I've been in CA that have allowed me to stop believing what I'd bought into: "I have needs; I've been blamed for them; I must be inadequate."

I came down here with a lot of hurt on my shoulders; I'm being vague about that on purpose. I let go of it about a month ago. I talked to a friend who took me seriously, who named the experience before I was able to, and who supported me in talking to a person in power about it. The person who had wounded me had had a lot of power over how I'd thought of myself. I'd accepted his judgement of me. I don't, anymore.

Why not? Because, I've simply been listened to. My friends have told me that my feelings are real, and valid, and worth listening to. That I'm not crazy or evil. That they value me, and that I will get through what is hard for me--and that I can help other people when I myself have gone through it. That's gone a long way toward unwinding and healing me.

That's the deepest lesson I can take from this, or share. If someone you know is hurting, listen to them. Don't give them advice; don't judge them for having gotten into whatever situation. Just give them a space to share their feelings. Let them know that you value who they are. That is transforming enough.