Saturday, March 14, 2009

I just wrote a post about joy

...and then I read Joan’s comment, and took a walk around the neighborhood. What I said was and is true—and I’d be lying, if I left it alone.

I don’t feel invincible. I do feel that after this, I may well be done with cancer—but I know I’m not a medical intuitive. All I’ve got to go on is how my body feels now, and the wish to stay well.

I know very clearly what the risks are, to my health and to my life. I will, when I can, choose healthcare. I don’t know that this option doesn’t carry it. (It’s not something I’m comfortable asking, on the first date. Which is really where I’m at with them anyway.) I do know that I would take it even if it doesn’t, because it’s the work I want, community I want, and would open doors later that I’m barely aware of now.

If carrying COBRA is an option, damn right I’ll do it. I’ll start exploring that on Monday. It means asking for help from willing friends; I don’t yet know how much.

I will not choose safety at the expense of real life. I can’t live in a hermit crab shell.

Where I’ve gotten in my relationship with cancer—go and live your life—is a gift. At the same time, if I were Canadian, as much of that worry as is cosmically possible would be lifted from me. I know this; I’m aware of the injustice that is our health care system. I’m angry about it, appalled by it, and motivated to change it.

The flip-side of taking such deep, soul-healing joy in embracing life, is a profound sadness when I think about losing it. And in the fact that I even have to ask these questions. But I do. The answers I’ve found, are liberating.

I’m beginning to explore, again, my whole relationship with fear. I may not write clearly about that, for awhile.

I don't want, in any way, to romanticize survivorship. What I've learned about myself is amazing, and may well have saved my life in non-physical ways. I love myself, this world, this life. Cancer still sucks. I don't want it again; you don't want it ever.

My head and heart are both talking to me. I'm listening, as well as I can, to both. I'm thinking and praying. I will be, for awhile.


it's margaret said...

By all rights, my dear sister, I would be dead by now but for modern medicine.

And I think I understand exactly what you are saying --Live your life for "what for's" not for "what if's." Is that it?

You know what resurrection life looks like. --without the net that everybody else says is for "safety" and that may be the very thing which has nothing to do with "safety" at all....

It is a hard and a life-giving path that you walk. I trust that you will make all the very best decisions....

Kirstin said...

Yes. That's it exactly. And yes, it's harder than I would have imagined.

I love you.