Monday, January 05, 2009

Quick update

I’m at the Ranch, until Epiphany West. Tired, damp, happy to be here. I’ve put away the Bruce Cockburn CD for another year—but am still listening to the Irish Rovers. Want to finish settling in, and do my shot before I host dinner—but I may just nap until then.

Christmas, all 12 days of it, was good, quiet, restful. I left A’s house decorated for Epiphany (thank you, Oriental Trading).

I still have academic things to do—and I’m going to take the down-time I have now to do them, as well as my brain will allow me.

I mentioned a derm appointment—I rescheduled it to next week. I’ll see my oncologist, do field ed, and see the dermatologist all in 24 hours. Then come back up here.

I’m fearless in ways I wasn’t expecting. I normally hate driving through the Delta. It didn’t bother me at all. The whole hundred-odd miles up here were foggy and wet, but nobody chased me. The lanes usually feel claustrophobically narrow—today I didn’t feel squeezed.

Speaking of fearlessness—I don’t want to sound like I’m delusional, or trying to be a superhero. I still can (and do) feel anxiety—mostly about finishing school, finding work, and continuing my health coverage after spring. There are certainly experiences I’d rather not have. I’m in a loop right now of, “S—t! I need a job. I’m not well enough to get one. I can’t even keep up with school.” I don’t know how I’m going to transition into paying debt, paying for healthcare, getting employed and getting better, all at the same time. But however it happens, it will. And I have all the support I could ask for.

True fear, though, that’s gone. I’ve been where I’ve been, and I’ve come back, more whole than when I went there. Nothing can damage me now.

Hmm. This is how confidence feels.

1 comment:

it's margaret said...

That OH SHIT feeling is the main focus of the third year m'dear!

Do what you can; do it the best you can, and the rest will follow when it will.

Perhaps after confidence, there is peace?

May the many healing blessings of the Ranch soak in to the center of your being.